I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
