if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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