she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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