My balls are so social today.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
