I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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