i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
