Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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