An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
