I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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