i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
