I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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