yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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