I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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