Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
