That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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