1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize
