mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
