Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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