I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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