I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
