The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
