I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
