We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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