So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
