My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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