Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
