So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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