How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
