I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
