why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
