I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
