I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
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You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
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We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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