Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
im having a threesome with these popsicles
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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