i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize