My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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