Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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