If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
