You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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