the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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