Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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