my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize