she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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