Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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