Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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