GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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