she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
