we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
