awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
