I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
