I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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