Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
