Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
