If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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